Drunkenese Decoded: The Ten Types of Drunks

This article is mainly for a laugh, but there are also some great points mentioned while discussing drinking and the "bar scene." Don't just laugh at others' mistakes but learn from them; you don't want to become one of the drunks listed below. Also, I hope you enjoy the photos I included in the bonus section: "Ultimate Pass Out Failures." Without further ado, let's look at the ten types of drunks.

This is the happy drunk that laughs at everything, and wants to put their arm around you and give you a giant speech (when they can barely talk) about how much they care about you. The “I Love You” drunk can be annoying at times, but if you’re drunk, this kind of character is the least troublesome and irritating. If one of my friend's is overly intoxicated, I’d prefer them hanging all over me telling me how much they love me, rather than crying, puking, fighting, or doing idiotic things that get us into trouble.

This is a special drunk, and possibly the worst. An “emotional” drunk is a person who comes out in a good mood intent on having fun with friends, but after an immense amount of alcohol, starts crying for no apparent reason. Now when people are upset or depressed, they can sometimes turn to alcohol, but that is a different story. Being there for a friend going through a hard time is not dealing with an “emotional” drunk. The “emotional” drunk is the person who isn’t depressed when they begin drinking; yet, they end up getting emotional and upset simply because they can’t handle their alcohol. One moment, this person is laughing and having a good time, the next moment this person is randomly crying. This person will say the craziest things out of the blue, like “my grandparents are getting old,” between moans and sobs. Or the infamous two lines from “emotional” drunks; “no one loves me,” and “I hate my life.” What a buzz kill. No one wants to deal with someone acting this way. It may sound harsh to speak this way about a person upset, especially if the person is a friend, but the “emotional” drunk is acting this way because they’re under the impression they have an upsetting issue, but truly they’ve just consumed too much alcohol. In the morning, they will have forgotten what they were crying about the night before, and feel like an idiot. There is one person who can handle the emotional drunk. Guess who? The “I Love You” drunk. And that is a funny sight to see.

“My life is a black abyss...” “Sorry to hear that dude, but you got me, I mean I love you man...”

Many people say certain alcoholic beverages tend to make them angry or prone towards violence. These are horrible drunks to be around. The “angry” drunk is the person wanting to pick fights and be obnoxious when everyone else just wants to have a good time. This is often the type of alcoholic in an abusive home. This kind of drunk will get irritated easily at everything and everybody and lash out in fits of rage. No one likes a drunk who acts in this manner.

This is exactly how it sounds, the confused drunk who has obviously had way too much to drink. This kind of drunk can be both funny and annoying. Normally they are stumbling around barely able to talk or walk, spilling their drink everywhere, looking like they’re half conscious. This is the kind of drunk that passes out in some random place. They drop in the corner and never get back up, they pass out on your couch or bathroom floor, they pass out sitting up with a lit cigarette, they are pretty much just so intoxicated they are going to shut down and land wherever. This is typically the kind of drunk that wakes up with marker on his face missing half an eyebrow. Because he’s completely passed out from alcohol in a deep sleep, many people target him for amusement, hence the marker drawings.

You know when you go to a club and there’s a side line of guys around the dance floor, and they don’t dance, just drink and gawk? These are the creepy horny “drunk girl” predators. They are scoping out single girls that have had too much to drink. When closing time comes, they move in on their selected prey. They offer you a ride, or ask if you want to go out to eat, or mention an “afterparty” somewhere. Also ladies, let me explain why men buy you drinks. It’s not because they like you. It’s not because they are being chivalrous. It’s because when girl’s drink alcohol they loosen up, and make poor impulsive choices that they wouldn’t make sober. Alcohol also can boost a person’s sex drive. That is why guys buy girls drinks; they are hoping to have sex with them. So ladies, while you’re feeling special from all the attention, and the creepy ugly dude starts to become the good looking cool guy, remember these words, and reevaluate your situation. Or you may wake up the next morning with quite a bit of regrets. Don’t be that girl taking the walk of shame from some random guy’s room the next day.

“My boyfriend dumped me...” “My wife left me...” “The person I love is a lying cheating jerk...” “...So I’m going to drown my sorrows in alcohol and get wasted beyond my limit and do stupid things I’m going to regret that will make me feel even worse tomorrow.” We have all been this kind of drunk person at least once. One minute this drunk is crying in the corner, the next they have their tongue down some stranger’s throat. It just bounces back and forth from there. One time I saw someone slip up and call the person they were flirting with their ex’s name, and they were slapped in the face and had a drink thrown in their lap. I’ve seen some crazy scenarios involving these drunks.

This one is hilarious. Women can be terrible for this. Every smart girl knows not to leave their drink unattended. So many people bring their drinks on the dance floor. When people drink while they dance, booze gets spilt on the dance floor. Now we’ve all seen it, girls who are wearing such high skinny heals, they can barely walk in these things sober. Add some alcohol to the mix, they get tipsy and clumsy, and are now really struggling with these heals. So they are in no condition to attempt to dance, but they feel this is a wonderful idea. By now it’s late, most people are drunk, and there is plenty of spilt alcohol on the floor. The theme song to Jaws is playing in everyone’s head as she approaches the dance floor. It’s sad but no one is going to stop her; people just sit back and watch the show. You know the creepy guys on the side lines that just stand there drinking and gawking at girls on the dance floor? This is the show they’re waiting for ladies. Because as soon as the drunk girl in those ridiculous heals hits the spilt alcohol, her legs are going to fly out from under her, and she’s going to crash on her butt spread eagle in a puddle of booze. Almost always, it gets worse, because following this display, her drunken friends who can barely stand themselves attempt to rescue her. More girls will go down before she is finally back up. This is also a window opportunity for a creep on the side lines to jump in and offer help. Don’t be that girl. Because even if you’re too drunk to care what has happened at that time, and you don’t remember it the next day, trust me, the whole bar/club is going to remember you flashing your panties when you came crashing down. I do not know this from experience; I personally have avoided such a scenario. As for guys, when you’re drunk and sloppily murdering the two step, if you nearly fall on your face after step one, maybe you should reconsider your situation. You’ve succeeded in getting the girls’ attention, and more than likely everyone’s attention, but I don’t think your plan will have the outcome you’d hoped.

The “sick” drunk is the person who drinks more than they know they can handle, and they end up passing out “praying to the Porcelain God.” This means they pass out puking on the toilet. There is puke on their clothes, in their hair, puke everywhere. They have their head in the toilet and pee on their face...it’s awful. You know when people get intoxicated they “can’t aim” very good, and there is often a “sprinkle of tinkle left behind” towards the end of the night in the bathrooms. Most people forget this when they come rushing to the toilet to throw up, and just stick their head right in there. Then again, when you’re about to throw up, the only thing on your mind is trying to reach an acceptable place to vomit, and making it to the toilet itself is considered a victory. So if you find yourself being the “sick” drunk, and your friends have to come rescue you in the bathroom and drag you out and get you home, remember this is a lesson to be learned. Don’t overdrink to impress others, and stick to your alcohol limit. Being drunk and sick to the point your friends have to take care of you is nothing to be proud of and impresses no one. It is surely an unpleasant experience being sick, not worth the few extra drinks. Cutting yourself off is not a sign of weakness but rather an act of maturity.

This type of drunk is normally the local alcoholic who has turned to booze to deal with his problems. This guy is here at the bar all day every day brooding. This person tortures the bartender with the same story “how it all went wrong” everyday. Plus, he thinks he has a special purpose like a wise Martial Arts teacher to warn all the young guys not to make his mistakes. You’re at the bar just trying to order a couple drinks, and while you wait he reels you in, starting his long story like an epic warrior tale of battle. You don’t want to be rude, so you end up stuck trying to find the right moment to cut in and tell him you have to go.

This is the typical guy at frat parties or bachelor parties. When it comes to these guys, their ego is bigger than their brain, and they often overdrink to impress others. The “party animal” drunks act inappropriate toward women, and are loud and obnoxious individuals constantly trying to be the center of attention. Girls can be “party animal” drunks too. These are the girls trying to be the center of attention by any means, such as dancing on tables, drinking excessively, and flirting with anything that moves. Around sparingly, these drunks can be fun. But being around someone like this all the time is annoying. Sometimes I personally can only be around a drunk like this for an hour or two before they become too much to handle.

Here are some more ultimate "pass out failures." Remember though, it's all fun and games and hilarious, until this becomes you. Then it's not so funny anymore.

• Never leave your drink unattended.
• Ladies, if you plan on doing a lot of drinking and dancing, leave the outrageous heals home.
• Don't be known as the drunk who want's to be the center of attention.
• Don't be known as the drunk who always ends up fighting or crying by the end of every night.
• Don't discuss your life's story at the bar to everyone you meet, or try to be the advice guru.
• Don't try to be cool and impress others by drinking beyond your alcohol limit.
• When drinking, don't hang all over your friend's giving them speeches about how much you care about them.
• Gentlemen, don't be the creep on the side lines of the dance floor gawking at girls.
• Ladies, while the attention may be nice, keep in mind that if a stranger is buying you multiple free drinks, the guy is more than likely buying your drinks because he is hoping to have sex with you.
• Always be aware of your surroundings.